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[page] 10 would feel. then I came to the conclusion that it was not worth while for me to say any thing to them about my feelings for if I was a christian I could live as well out of the church as in it, and if I was to commit any gross sin I would not bring reproach upon the church. O, I loved God's people, and I loved the cause of Christ. I thought if I was to join the church and was to do any thing for which I would have to be dealt with, it might be the cause of some others not coming to the church, but I soon saw that I could not live out of the church and enjoy myself in the way I wished, for I wanted to talk of my heavenly Farther's [sic] love, and to have full fellowship with his dear children, and to sing praise to his precious name, but I thought I had rather be debared [debarred] from all those great privileges then [than] perhaps to bring reproach upon the church of Christ. at [illegible-torn] meeting; after preaching the church convened they seemed to be in peace; and full fellowship O, how [I] wanted to be with them, but when I would think of talk[ing] to them something would whisper me if you joine [sic] you might bring reproach upon them, they sung some songs and were dismissed I walk out of the house and my sister came to me and said that she would have been very glad if I had talk[ed] to the church. She said the letter I had writen [sic] her give her full confidence in me. Sister Mcneely was present, and she said she hoped that the Lord would